in my head: March 2014

All cutesy stuff aside for a sec, it's time for a little no fuss real talk.

Lately I've felt like really, really overwhelmed. I could laundry list all of my past, current and looming future stressors for you...but what's that gonna' do? I know what they are just like you know yours. Back and forth, left and right, we know what they are. They are what keep us up at night reeling in the whirlpool of

"HOW WILL I EVER GET ALL THIS DONE"

"WHAT AM I GONNA DO IF............."

"WHAT IF THAT PERSON DOESN'T......."

any number of other all caps fears that flash in our tired little heads day in and day out.They are life's Little Monsters and we all have them. They make our everyday to-do lists feel to-doomed. Y'know? They are the fears, the anxieties and the pressures that get hurled at us. By others, by ourselves. And they suck so hard. They make the boogeyman seem like a silly old dude that's probably just lurking around in search of a nice cup of coffee. "Your soul? No I don't want that, hon. I just want some splenda for my tea. I'm breaking my diet, shhhh!"

I've felt pretty bogged down by my little monsters of late. The stress feels as if it is almost constantly creeping up my spine and sending shivers through my veins. I know, I know. A little dramatic. But hey, I'm an actress. Dramatic is what I do.

Anyways, today I discovered a secret. A secret that lies within all of us. A secret that for some reason is so easily forgotten. Yes, y'all. Today, I found the secret for vanquishing the Little Monsters.

This afternoon I had the house all to myself. I stood in my kitchen and thought about the hours I had left in this glorious bit of much needed alone time before I had to pack back up in my jeep and head to my 8:30 rehearsal. A good, solid four or five hours. All for me.

Immediately my one Little Monster hissed that I should finish off one of my grad school apps while another one heckled that I should check my psychology syllabus one more time to make sure that the absences I've accumulated won't do me in. A third chimed in the chorus of "SHAME ON YOU, YOU ARE WASTING TIME YOU FAILURE!" and proclaimed that this time should be spent looking at my online biology homework to see if I could chip away at some of it before Tyler gets home to help me comprehend it.

A slave to my demons I did these things. I trudged along in the hopes that I could chip one or two more things off my massive pile of yet to be accomplished tasks. I figured they were probably right. If I didn't do this stuff right now then I was squandering time. I was being selfish by thinking a few things could be set aside for a rare solitary afternoon.

And then something wonderful happened. I stopped and thought about how badly I needed to clear my head. I thought about how my lists of chores weren't going anywhere but my high spirits definitely were. I was sinking and I needed desperately to grab a water noodle and just float for a minute. So....I gave my monsters a massive middle finger. Though I know that getting all of the things on my to do list is truly an important and necessary evil...I realized that my..oh I dunno...sanity should count for something, too.

Once I flicked the LM's off my shoulders I was able to breathe for a little bit. I allowed myself to put the big stuff aside. I allowed myself to put the small stuff aside. I basically was just shoving stuff any which way I could so I could carve a path to a little much deserved relaxation.

Once those buggers were off and away I was free for a little while.

I ran a steamy bath and added generous amounts of sudsy smell good stuff. Emerged in bubble land, I did a little reading from my book about the "new woman" of the flapper age. Getting lost in that time period of the 1900's-1940's always makes me smile. Such revolution, such risk. It is so cool to sometimes just let your mind wander to the realms of yesteryear and mentally high five the shit out of all the daring and amazing people that carved the way to the world we live in now. That isn't to say our world is perfect, no way. But I know that someday some girl in the year 2235 will be relaxing in her floating bubble bath (I don't mean a bathtub filled with bubbles elevated into the air, I mean a literal bubble filled with awesome purifying perfumed powerful water and candy and probably like champagne or something just like coasting along the milky way because that's the ~*iN*~ galaxy to do your pampering by that month. I mean y'all, it's 2235 after all, gah) and reading a book about our time now and wishing she could high five us. All of that is my long winded way of saying I got to chill and read and think and wash my face real good. Which is a wonderful feeling. Victory!

I got out of the bath and felt a little restless. I thought for a second and then impulsively I threw on some sneakers, got my dog on his leash, and took a nice brisk walk around the block. I know it's weird to want to go do any form of exercise right AFTER you've bathed or showered BUT WHATEV I'M A REBEL. Anyways. It was all dribbley and grey outside. Every little kiss of rain on my skin felt like it extinguished an angry fire that was burning me up inside. Drop, Tssss, Out. Amazing.

After our little brief walk in the world, my dog Winston and I returned home. We felt fresh and fab. Well, he was still a little pissed because I didn't let him pee on this one mailbox we passed....but underneath that seething resentment I knew he felt good. I felt good. A little fresh air and slight exercise! Yes! Victory!

I kicked my shoes off and wondered what I would do next. I had burned away a couple of hours at this point, but I still had a few more at my disposure. I remembered the recipe that I had Tyler go out and get all the supplies for just the other night. The recipe was for this plump whole roasted chicken sitting on a raft of veggies smothered in a homemade drizzly sauce. Like........yes please. Well the night that I intended to cook it didn't pan out. My Little monsters claimed my brain and my schedule claimed my body and the chicken went back in the fridge in the hopes to be cooked another day.

I found that to do the whole recipe would only take me about an hour and a half and I still had a little over two before my little personal vacay would run out. I quickly got to work and sure enough...an hour and a half later I had this babe on my counter.

BRB AUDITIONING FOR IRON CHEF

I just felt so accomplished. I don't know about you guys, but cooking has always been so calming to me. It quiets my busy brain better than almost anything. Honestly, I'm not an amazing cook, but I'm learning and loving every second. In the kitchen I find that there is no room for thought outside of the task at hand. When you've got your hand up a birds butt trying to get it all nice and ready for the oven, you don't really have time to wonder if the essay you submitted covered all the bullet points the professor wanted. You only have time to think about how gross it is that your hand is up a butt. And that's so lovely, guys. I tried something new and I didn't burn the kitchen down in the process. I succeeded at something tangible. I could see, smell and taste this success. Victory!

With thirty minutes still on my clock, one of my best friends Brittany (aka Brat) stopped by before we were to head to our mutual rehearsal. Though my alone time was over, time spent with a best friend always trumps a little solitude. I didn't miss the alone. Me and my chicken were ready for some company before we embarked upon our last task of the day. (Well, actually just me...the chicken stayed home. For sanitary reasons. Plus, I don't wana' be "Chicken Girl", y'know?) The Brat and I chatted while I prepped the chicken for the fridge. She studied and I chickened and we were calm and it was warm and just nice. Also, she brought me Starbucks so basically...VICTORY!

We went to rehearsal and had a blast, made each other break character because we were in fits of giggles, ran our short play twice and called it good.

Now I'm home. Writing this.

And that's when it donned on me. My forgotten secret to maintaining a little joy while walking some of the rougher roads of life. See, when life is hurling you all over the place, true to it's rollercoaster form, you have to find time for some personal victories. I was lucky to have an afternoon where I could have such amazing victories. Baths, walks, cooking...all bliss inducing. Victories come in all forms. Opening a soda can and not breaking a nail. Victory! Waking up and discovering that without any coercing your hair just looks freaking great. Victory! Turning on the radio and hearing a song you love. Victory!!!!!

Victories come in all places, in all sizes and in all ways. I forget that sometimes. I forget when I have my Little Monsters hanging off every inch of me and to do lists making little to do list babies right in front of my eyes. I forget. And then I get a day like today and it rejuvenates me, reminds me that even though I may feel like I am stretched in every direction and not succeeding in all the endeavors I meant to...everything will be okay. I am not selfish to need a break. I am not lazy to rearrange some things to get a little rest every now and then. I am not a failure. I have a thousand small trophies surrounding me reminding me of the great parking spot I got earlier, how on point my eyeliner is looking, how great that damn chicken tastes. You can't be failing with all that glittering gold around you.

So here is my newly remembered secret, direct from me to you.

Little Victories defeat Little Monsters.

xoxo,

Kelsey